Part Two: Who Am I? Self Identity
Attempting to Control the Uncontrollable Situations and Events in your Life
However, If there is a gap in your boundary, or a lack of conscious knowledge about an aspect of this part of your world view, it allows a situation where you might see your Self Identity or the influence of it extending outside of what is really within your control. You might be in a situation where you become dependent on being able to control, or being part of someone else or an external situation. This is often the situation in codependency, where you believe that someone else ‘should’ act in a certain way and when they do, there actions increase your Self Esteem. When they do not act as they ‘Should’ or things do not turn out the way you hoped, the external actions affect your sense of who you are and decrease your self esteem.
For Example, If you’re in a relationship and you have an idea in your world view that trust is important, but you are not consciously aware of how you know when you are able to trust someone. There will be a gap in your boundary under the preference of trust. In this case you may unwittingly play games with your partner, setting up little tests and attempting to get feelings of being able to ‘trust them’ by seeing how well they do at your tests.
In this case you setting up an idea that “If they are trust worthy they should do ABC when I do XYZ” You are attempting to control the uncontrollable (anything outside of your awareness of your boundaries). This will result in either a pass or a fail which will affect your sense of trust and self esteem.
Contrast this with having a clear idea of your rules about trust in your world view and boundaries about what is and is not acceptable. Here you can clearly say to your partner, If you do ABC I will know I can trust you, if you do XYZ I will no that I can not. Here your partner knows your rules, they know your boundaries, they know who you are and your character.
Another common occurrence when you have a gap in your world view is that you can extend your Self Identity outside of the present moment and place it in the future somewhere. You are then unable to clarify within yourself that this is a future Self Identity (for example you may believe yourself to be how you might after 3 months of diet and exercise. Or maybe see a future successful you making lots of money; or the way your relationship should be).
When this happens there is a conflict in your sense of Self Identity and the amount of Self Esteem relating to it. You think that reflection in the mirror is not you, or that by now you should be making twice what you’re making or that your partner should not be acting in this way. You are living in that future moment and dissatisfied with where you are in reality. You’re expecting to feel the benefits of planning without having to put any work into it, because you’re extending your Self Identity through the gap beyond the present moment and what you are actually able to control.
Your sense of who you are, is your Self Identity, it is your assessment of your personality and attributes. Your Identity is who and what you present to the world through the behavior you have according to your boundaries, in relation to your world view (rules you have about leading a good and productive life). And how well you measure up to that world view is reflected on your sense of self esteem. Each component works together, to define your character.
The goal of this article and to an extent any form of therapy or change/growth is to develop the character of your choice. Think of your life as a movie, you are the main character and throughout the movie you are put into situations and experiences that develop and grow your character. Why not make your life the best movie you can make? Why not become aware of the gaps in your world view, and fix them? Making your character stronger, your sense of who you are to yourself and the world clearer more defined and through that have more and more moment of peak experience.
The Benefits of Creating Character
When you have a solid, clear and concise awareness of your world view, you can consciously make solid and clear preferences of what you say yes and no to (your boundaries). You know who you are, and it becomes easier to act and behave in a way that is in line with how you want to be (Integrity). With integrity you are controlling how you act and feel about your actions.
From a psychological prospective when you are able to define a preference or rule in your world view; you become aware of your limit of control. You know and understand that you can only define yourself through who you are. You can only control yourself and how you choose to act. When you do this, you stop allowing you’re expecting another person who ‘should’ act a certain way to affect who you are and how you feel. You know what you can and cannot control, and you let go of controlling the uncontrollable. Attempting to control the uncontrollable is called suffering. You suffer because you think someone ‘should’ comply with your wishes, desires or commands.
By the same token, having clearly defined preferences, knowing the rules of your world view and creating boundaries, allows you clearly be aware of what you say yes or no too. You are not influenced or controlled by outside factors, people or events. And the sense of being in control increases your level of self esteem, which generates greater confidence in your self identity. In addition, while you let go of the need to control the uncontrollable, you build within you the resources and character that is likely to make you more attractive to the things that you desire.
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How to Create your Self Identity
“Life is not about finding yourself … Life is about creating yourself”
The major ability to create your life is to develop Mindful Awareness. Mindful awareness is your observing self, that part of you that runs the commentary of your life as it plays out. It is the conscious voice in your head, that most people completely ignore. We have some 60,000 thoughts a day! That is an average of 3 a second, yet at the end of the day most people will find it difficult to remember 10 thoughts they were aware of during the day. We usually run on auto pilot, and it is becoming aware of our mental processes that allow us to create and change who we are.
Through mindful awareness you will establish consciously your world view, which will make you a stronger person. You will develop your decision making abilities which allows you greater freedom. You will use your intellect which develops wisdom and you will use your emotional energy more effectively which increases your self esteem and happiness.
Step One Your World View
You can identify your world view, the rules you have about what it means to have a good and productive life by asking yourself the question “How do I know”. For example your rule/perception of attractiveness can be found by asking yourself “how do I know I am beautiful”. The answers provide you with your rules.
At this stage you have a decision to make. Is your rule an empowering and realistic rule. If for example you base your rule of attractiveness on looking like a model (as society tends to tell us) then it is an unrealistic rule, one you will never attain and therefore constantly drain your self esteem because you will never measure up. If your rule on attractiveness is based along the lines of “being well groomed”, you can obtain that quality and feel good about who you are.
Your world view rules, are either empowering ones to have, and if you don’t measure up it is a guide for what skills and abilities you can work on to improve yourself, or they are unrealistic and once you consciously become aware of what it is, you get an understanding that you do not need to accept this unconsciously learnt aspect of your world view, you can reject it and create your own more empowering one.
Many times you will have an emotionally charge rule or preference in your world view, without knowing exactly what that rule is, just that certain things set you off. Certain things just get you going, or are totally unacceptable to you, and by extension anyone you choose to associate with. The emotional intensity of a preference is not an indication that it is a beneficial one to have. You ask yourself “How do I know” for example “How do I know if someone loves me they need me to be with them all the time” and if the answer is “Because my father was never with me and I felt unloved” then once you find the rule you have despite the amount of emotion attached to it, you can use logic and reason and your intellect to decide if this is really a rule you would choose to have as an adult.
Step Two Fill in the Gaps
By monitoring your Mindful Awareness, you will at times become aware that you are not feeling a positive emotion in reaction to a situation or thought process. This is your indication to consciously realize where there is a gap. Is it someone making your angry or upset? Is it a feeling of being in a situation that you do not feel comfortable in? Find out what the situation is and then sort though any vagueness to get a clear rule or preference to your situation. For example, Your putting off going to the bank because a friend is coming over to borrow an item. It is beginning to annoy you that they are late and not answering the phone, when you try to call to see if they will be any longer. In this situation you have a gap in your world view about deadlines for friends, You are looking through that gap and out into the future hoping you can control when they will arrive, which is allowing annoyance to come into your awareness and drains your positive emotional energy.
Now you have the opportunity to give a label to the aspect of the situation that is causing you suffering. Granted it is not a huge suffering, but all preferences and rules you make will increase your character and be able to be used in many situations. You can decide now that you will fill in that gap with a preference, something along the lines of, “When I am doing someone a favor, there is a time limit on them getting the favor”. From this point on your can express that rule when you offer the favor, giving the person a deadline to take it. If your friend has problems with their character regarding their sense of deadlines more than likely they will in future find your not there when they decide to turn up. They may even give you a little grief about it, BUT you know your limits, you know that this is your preference, and that you are not responsible for how they feel about it, you have let go the need to try to control their feelings. You know who you are, you know your preferences and your rules regarding them, and you are living your life true to yourself, not allowing others to control or manipulate you.
This process is similar to wisdom. As you become more aware of your self identity, more aware of your world view and your rules, your ability to say (and hear) the word “No” you are gaining wisdom. You are building your character, that creates control on what and when you do things and what is acceptable to you. This comes from life experience, it is how our lives provide an opportunity for us to define who we are, and then live by that definition.
Another easy way to gain wisdom (and hence define your rules or fill in the gaps) is to collect ‘sayings’. The classic pieces of wisdom that have stood the test of time. The little statements that when you hear them, you process them on many levels before understanding them. These little gems provide your world view with strong and clever rules, saving you having to learn though life experience the lessons they teach.
If you hear the saying “being lenient on the guilty punishes the innocent”, and you can see how for example, that the guests in your house with your children are breaking a rule you set as a condition of them being able to stay there. The saying provides wisdom for what to do. You have certain standards that you teach your children, and yet as a good host you do not want to seem picky or a killjoy.
By being lenient on the guilty, your children suffer the consequences of you not staying firm to your Self Identity and the World View you have. Often in these times we ‘seek the courage’ to make a stand, when in reality courage is nothing more than making the right decision. It is not a feeling you need to get in order to take action, it is making the right decision for you.
Sayings that strike a chord with you provide you with valuable rules and preferences without you having to live the situation to build your character from experience.
Creating preferences and rules with openings in them (much like a door) with the door handle on the inside under your control gives you flexibility. There will be times when circumstances and situations will require flexibility and choice on your part, and times when you can bend your rules, without it effecting your Self Identity or Self Esteem.
For example, You may be an Atheist and have a rule that attending church is hypocritical. But your Niece is performing in a play and you really would like to go to support her despite you dislike of the parents choice of World View for her. By having a door to your preference you can have the flexibility to attend without it effecting your sense of Self Identity.
Always ensure the handles are on the inside and that the choice is always yours. You do not want handles on the outside where others can open you up and manipulate your choices and decisions.
The Quickest Method of Creating Yourself?
Subconscious Therapies … Hypnosis and Subliminal Messages
Hypnosis and Hypnotherapy MP3’s
Hypnosis is a fast and powerful method of guided communication directly to your subconscious mind – the place where your Beliefs, Attitudes and Behaviors are created and activated automatically for you. Use Hypnotherapy for an active role in changing your life.
Subliminal Messages MP3’s
Subliminal Messages contain embedded positive affirmations into a masking track (ocean waves) below your conscious hearing by passing your conscious objections and creating new patterns of Unconscious thinking. Use Subliminals for a passive approach to therapy.
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